Moonlight
by lostlikealice
Summary: R/L angst/fluff. Lily finds out, and chaos ensues, but the funny kind of chaos. Chapter 7: Kind of introspective now. Bits of one-sided James/Lily. The birth of a certain map. Read and review, please!
1. If Only

A/N: Another of the gigantic amount of fics I'm writing; my first MWPP and Lily story ever. I've been planning this for a while and it finally came out after reading far too many Penelope-Z fics, and the Draco/Pansy fic "I will never forget you" by slush puppy. *Sniffs* I got all sober and started to write, and this popped out. Enjoy some Remus sort-of-angst. Woohoo.. 

**__**

If only..

It's the kind of silence that's too loud to hear.

You know? When you're in an empty house and every sound is like a twig snapping in a dark forest, that's how it is. 

That's how it is right now, in the forest.

I've made sure that none of them are following me to the Whomping Willow, heading towards my prison for the next four days. I glance up at the full moon and sigh. _If only._

James and Sirius, Peter and Lily; I'd tell them, but I can't. I can't risk seeing disgust on their faces, losing my only friends because of what I am. They wouldn't trust me if I told them. And I don't think I could live without Sirius's laugh, James's stupid plans, Peter's self-depreciating humor and Lily's smile. I don't think I'd have the resolve to turn into a beast every month if I didn't have them.

My friends. _My_ friends. The friends of a werewolf.

The friends of a werewolf who, of course, was not only guilty of being turned into a werewolf as a boy, but was also guilty of lying at least once a month.

I look towards the imposing figure of the violent tree. I pick up a rock and with aim honed for the past, say, two years I lob it at the knot in the tree. It freezes and I head towards the tree.

If it weren't for the moonlight, the darkness would close in just like the silence and I would be deaf and blind. If it weren't for the moonlight, I wouldn't be outside at midnight into a tree that's actually a secret passage.

If it weren't for the moonlight...

And as I touch my hand to pull the knot, to enter my prison, a hand touches my shoulder.


	2. Reality

A/N: I know, I know, evil cliffhanger. Well, no one was right, so you better read.. My beta Catrina is trying to ply me into making this fluffy but I dunno how; anyway, onward and toward. Another extraordinarily short chapter.. God, my chapters; they're either _War and Peace_ or _Of Mice and Men_.. This chapter's pretty angsty considering. Enjoy! (And, Kaz, if you don't like slash, don't read anything else current by me. *coughcough*)

**__**

…Reality…

I whip around and a choked cry slips from my mouth. I don't see my greeter for a few moments, then pure moonlight covers her features.

For a second the situation leaves me and I'm happy to see her.

"Lily," I sigh. "Good. Thought it might have been Snape or something."

Lily's face forms into a inquisitive little pout. "I honestly hope I don't look like him. Even in the pitch dark." She smiles. I can't help but smile with her. "What are you doing out here? I couldn't sleep, and.. followed you out." She laughs. "It's amazing. You're quite stealthy."

I shake my head. "I've had practice." I glance down at the tunnel, up at the moon, then over at Lily. "Lily, er, I think--"

"What's that?" she says, pointing at the tunnel. "Did you find a secret tunnel?" Her eyes light up. "Let's go!"

The smile completely drops from my face. "No!" Her eyebrows flick up. "I mean.." I flush. "You have to go. Now. It's dangerous." I take her by the shoulders and push her. "Go, Lily. Please."

"Are you fooling, Remus?" Lily says, looking over my shoulder into the tunnel. "What could be down there--are you meeting someone down there?" She grins widely. "Oh, Remus, I never knew.."

"No, Lily.." I flush again. I feel the telltale trembling begin. I push her back, and she steps back, completely surprised. "You must go. It's dangerous."

Her cheerfulness fades and anxiety drifts into her face. "What do you mean?" Lily takes a step forward. "I don't.. understand.." Her eyes flick up to the full moon. I just stare into those green eyes of hers. She looks at me and I know, I see that she's figured it all out. Leave Lily Evans, the genius Muggleborn, to figure everything out.

She bites her lip, closes her eyes, glances down then back up into my eyes. "Remus," she says, and pauses. "Really?"

I dare not move other than the trembling overcoming me. I risk a slow nod, not even blinking.

We stand there for a moment, just feet away from one another. My dark eyes don't leave her green until a tremor shudders through me and I fall to my knees. She drops to one knee, trying to help me up. I shove her away.

"Go," I mutter. "Go, now."

She nods, pauses for a moment, almost transfixed on my pain and shame, then runs off, robes flying. I retreat into the shack and become the beast.

The beast. The beast that eternally chases me and always wins.


	3. Was a lie

A/N: Hehe. This was fun to write, but the next chapter was so much more fun.. Anyway, here's chapter 3, four days after his transformation. Lesson to be learned here: women are insane. I know. I am one. Anyway, enjoy! Ya'll deserve it because I slacked off. To the fic!

Chapter 3

**__**

...was a lie...

I hurry through the doors, glance at my watch and sigh in relief. Good, I've only missed Potions and Charms today.

I slip into the Great Hall, take some food--the hunger is bad enough as is trapped in that shack, but add the hunger of a werewolf and then you've got problems--and sit at the Gryffindor table. Next to James and Sirius and across from Lily and Peter, as usual.

"Remus," James complains. "You weren't in Dark Arts, and Evans wouldn't let us look at her essay."

Sirius would be inserting a comment right now if he was not shoveling food into his mouth as if this was the last day of his life. He decides to give me an indignant look instead. 

"So," I say, grinning, "Sirius had to copy yours, I presume."

Sirius swallows and takes a deep breath, as he usually does before he's about to rant. "That's right! I had to copy Potter's, and he got a six out of ten! My mum will have my hide if she sees I'm getting grades like that." He gets a look of distaste on his face. "'Really, Sirius,'" he imitates. "'Hanging out with that riffraff, you'll never become a prefect.' What does she think I am, a model student?"

We all laugh, and I notice Lily is a bit subdued. I suddenly worry that she may have told them, but what can I say? Nothing without arousing the suspicions of the others. "If I let you gits read every one of my essays," Lily says, "you'll never learn anything. I may as well sign your diplomas."

James rolls his eyes at me like, "Do you see what we have to put up with?" I take a bite of steak and allow myself to grin. I'm always far too paranoid after a full moon. Sirius's plate is clean, finally, so he starts picking off Peter's while he's not looking.

"So, Remus," he says, "you lucky git, you missed Potions and Charms today."

"I know," I say. "What happened?"

"Cheering Charms and sedative potions," James says. "Peter melted another cauldron."

Lily sighs, but I can't keep a grin off my face. "Peter, that's the second one in two weeks."

Peter flushes and says, "I don't think it's that funny. It's not like cauldrons are cheap."

"It's actually not funny," James says. "The funny part is that you melted it while we were taking notes."

We all laugh again and I see Peter flush pink again. Poor Peter, we make fun of him but it's all in fun, and I hope he realizes that. He's our friend, after all. 

I glance around the group and notice that Sirius is giving me quite a critical look. "What, is there something on my robes?" I glance down.

  
"No," Sirius says. "It's just that me and James think there's something you ought to tell us. A secret."

I look over at Lily, and she sends a message to me through a look: _I didn't do it! I didn't say anything! Trust me!_ I believe it, and cough loudly. "I don't see what you mean."

"Lily was gone for a while the night you left, Remus, that's what Lizzy Nott said," James says. "What's going on? I mean, we know your mum's sick, Remus, but why would Lily be out there too?"

Sirius says nothing, but has an uncharacteristically serious look on his face.

"Well," I say. I have never been good under pressure. I have never been good socially. Before Hogwarts, and still now, I was and am a social cow. "Um. The fact is that.. yes.. Lily?" I look over at her frantically. She trades wit with Sirius quite often so she should be able to handle this. I hope.

"Remus," she says with a note of disapproval in her voice. "You really want me to tell them?"

"It'll be a bit of a relief," I say with total honesty.

"All right." She turns to the others, then with supreme calm and pride she says, "Remus and I are going out."


	4. Then

A/N: *Cackles* This is the most fun thing I've ever written. It's gonna get a little fluffy from here, as you can obviously tell.. I just had way too much fun writing this one and I think I amused the hell out of my beta.. Prepare for Remus's public humiliation. Charrie torture! *cackles again* ^_^ Please review!

Chapter 4

**__**

…Then…

__

WHAT?

The others are so shocked that they don't notice the identical look of shock on my face. That, I assume, is a good thing. 

Women are insane. They must be. What must the lack of the Y chromosome do to the brain so that Lily would say something like that? I mean... Lily? Yes, she was smart, and pretty, but… _Lily Evans_? 

"Really?" Sirius eventually says. He looks at me, and I flush so badly that I think my robes are scorched. "Evans and Lupin. That's classic, that is."

I want to say "No" but then I'd have to say the real secret, and the fear is even more raw now. Though God knows it has to be easier than this…

Have I spoken a word in the past minute?

"How cute," Sirius says. "A regular puppy love romance." He pretends to gag. Peter is just staring in disbelief.

"That's just.. amazing," James says. It's the first thing he's said. James, quiet? Something must be wrong. "I mean.. wow."

Lily turns and smiles at me. I flush more; I figure I must be red by now. _God, the whole school will know soon.. What is she _thinking_?_ "Yeah," I say. Is my voice that strained? _Oh, God._

People start exiting from the Great Hall; it's time for Transfiguration. Thank God, I don't think I could stand another minute of having Sirius cracking jokes and James being _quiet_ and Peter just staring in amazement. I lag behind and make sure to grab Lily.

"What, are you insane? What was that?" I sound like Severus did when his voice broke in Potions last week. "I can't believe I trusted you with this. God..."

She looks offended. "You didn't want them to know, so I made something up. You weren't doing too hot yourself, Remus, so don't blame me. Don't worry, we only need to hold this up for another week or two."

"_What?_"

"What's wrong, Remus?" she says with a grin on her face. "Afraid of having to pretend to date a girl?" She lowers her voice. "You're a werewolf, you have worse things to worry about." She grins again and I'm struck dumb. "See you in Transfiguration," she croons, and blows me a kiss. She giggles--Lily Evans, _giggling!_--and runs off to find the others.

I heft my bag up to my shoulder and run like hell to class, worrying like mad what I should do.

"This girl," I say to myself, "is going to drive me mad."

------------------------------

This is hell. This is complete and utter hell.

"You know, this explains a lot," Sirius mutters to me in Transfiguration. "You and Evans always studying in the library together. Funny, I always thought it'd be James and Lily, but here you go… it's so _cute_."

"Would you shut up?" I hiss at Sirius. I must be completely red now. "Please. I can't concentrate."

"Sorry," he says. "I'll let you talk to your _cuddle monkey_ in peace." I could kill him, I really could. I lean over to Lily. 

"You know, you're intolerable."

"Remus, you really know how to compliment a girl."

"You know me, Lily, I'm a ladies' man." I cast a dark look at her. "I can't believe I'm in this situation."

"Not to have a big head but there are a few who'd like to be in this particular one." She flicks a piece of hair from her face and gives me this wonderful smile and I can't respond at all, sarcastically or not. "You're a lucky guy, Remus."

At this moment, I really can't refute that.

There is suddenly a woman standing above us with a stern look on our face. The new Transfiguration teacher, quite young compared to the others; Professor McGonagall. "Well!" she says. "Mr. Lupin, if you could please stop wooing our dear Miss Evans and pay attention to this lesson, it would be greatly appreciated."

Sirius can't stop laughing right now. I think I'm flushing so much I'm purple now. Lily saves my life, luckily, with a "Sorry, Professor, he was just helping me with the spell."

"Likely," McGonagall says. She turns away and begins to lecture again. I shoot Sirius a look. 

"Please, Sirius, it's not that funny!"

I look back at Peter and James. James is sniggering like mad and Peter has a quirked smile on his face that shows he is obviously trying not to laugh. "Come on, it's not that funny," I whisper. 

They just laugh harder in response. I turn back to Lily and hiss, "You owe me for this."

"On the contrary," she says. "You owe me. How about a date at the lake?" She gives me a devilish grin.

I was right before. I am in hell. 

But it certainly could be worse..


	5. I could

A/N: Here is the long-awaited chapter. God, I am ashamed to call myself an angst writer after writing this. This is so fluffy. I hope my angst idols aren't reading this.. *wince* anyway. The first date. Um. Enjoy? And I'm still writing angst, of course, of course! This is too hard to write.. *wince*

Chapter 5

****

...I could...

Sirius and James have let up since yesterday, and lessons haven't been so bad. Lily is tolerable, now that I've sated her request for a date.

Now it may be blatantly obvious that I'm not the most clever and flirty git in the school--that's Sirius. The only girl I've ever talked to farther than "Can I borrow a quill?" is Lily, all right. Then it may not be a huge shock that I have no idea how to look, act, and... all of that, on a date. Then again, she does know what I am and probably doesn't expect much from me.

Still, here I find myself in front of the bloody mirror trying to get my hair to look halfway decent. It isn't working.

"Nice try," the mirror says. "Trying to impress a girl, are ye?"

I stop. "Of course not," I say.

It grins. "Liar. There's only one meaning to that look on yer face and I've seen plenty. Taking 'er out, are ye?"

I try one last time, then sigh. "Not that it's any of your business, but yes."

"Put the comb down." I do so. "Get the hair outta yer face." I do so. "Yer fine, kid. Good luck."

I blink. "All right then..." I hesitate, then leave the dorm. By the Great Hall, Lily had said. 

I pass Sirius in the common room and stops me. "Off to see Evans, are you?" he says, grinning. "How sweet. Love budding in midwinter--"

"It's fall, Sirius."

"Midfall, then." The grin explodes over his face again and he ruffles my hair. "Don't be out too late, Remus. I'll stay up."

I push my hair out of my face again and try to avoid anyone else. All I need is Peter spilling something all over me or something along those lines. I don't think I've ever been so nervous in my life.

And she's there, somehow looking stunning while looking as she normally does. A grin spreads slowly across her face. "'Lo, Remus," she says. "Ready to go?"

"Yes," I say. I can barely move, but I go to her and follow her as she leads the way out of the building. The moon is waning but there's still slight blue-silver light to see by. It definitely suits Lily's warm features, cold as it is.

She looks up at the moon, cold blue-silver light pouring over her features like water, and says, "What's it like?"

I'm startled at first by the question. "What?"

"What's it like, being... what you are?" She goes a few steps further and I can now see the lake spread across the horizon. "I'm just a Muggleborn girl, three years ago I... I wouldn't have even believed this existed. And now I'm here and... I can't imagine what it would be like to be what you are--me, normal as anything."

A million things jump to my mind, a few of them actually tactful, but one eventually wins. "You're not just normal," I say. She turns and looks at me questioningly. I feel myself flush. "Well, um, you know..." I look away from her. "You're really smart, smarter than most purebloods or halfbloods. Blood says nothing. You're the most extraordinary of us all, Lily, and I think you'll go the farthest of all of us."

Did I just call her abnormal? God, this is a nightmare...

I feel her hand take mine and she's pulling me towards the lake. "Remus, I think that's the most you've ever said at once," she says, half-laughing as she speaks. I blush again. "That's really sweet, you know. James would have said something stupid. I'm not the only intelligent one around here, Remus."

"There's plenty of time to study when one can't leave the house," I say. I look into the lake, so clean like a mirror, reflecting the dark Forbidden Forest and the moon above it. "That's why I know my Defense Against the Dark Arts. My family became obsessed with it after I... I became what I am. They bought lots of books. But nothing came out of it... and there's still no cure, not even close." I feel the lump rising in my throat and I choke it down. "It's lonely," I finish lamely. "Really lonely."

"I think in some way everyone's lonely," Lily says, "even those who don't realize it." Her hand is warm, soft in mine and she squeezes my hand. "You should tell them," she says. "We could help, somehow."

"I don't know," I say in total honesty. "I don't want to lose them. You don't understand, Lily... you're a Muggleborn." I look up at her and she looks slightly offput. "Werewolves are dangerous and evil and unnatural and... werewolves don't have friends, except for other werewolves."

"All I care about werewolves now," she says, "is that one is my friend, and I'm not going to abandon him. No matter what." I look away, because if I don't I'm either going to cry or... or do something that's going to get me slapped.

"That's very... decent of you," I say. "But it's not necessary. I'm absolutely fine without friends, Lily, werewolves--"

Her other hand, somehow colder than the other, touches my cheek. "Remus," she says, pulls my face up to her eye level. "You are human. I don't care what happened to you as a child, what you become once a month--I'm not such a picnic once a month either, Remus." Her eyebrows flick up in that conspiratory way and I definitely feel uncomfortable. "We all have our things to deal with in life."

"What's yours?" I hear myself say. What a thing to ask on your bloody first date, eh? I feel the blush come for the millionth time within 48 hours.

"Being normal," she says, smiles that smile. It's as if that smile of hers interferes with my head, like waves of her amazing smile are interfering with the positive use of my brain. No words come, but a rush of emotions as I look into her eyes...

Could this be love, or am I just being a bloody idiot? 

"You're blushing," she teases, and I blush more. "You're blushing like a crushing schoolgirl." 

__

One part of that's right. "If you haven't noticed," I say, "I've been blushing nonstop since you first did... this. I... I'm not too good at this, if you haven't noticed."

"It's okay," she says. "It's a thing you'd do. You're so real, Remus. I don't think I've met anyone realer than you. Maybe more people should be ostracized for pointless reasons. Like Sirius, for example?" We laugh. Her face goes serious soon after we begin. I am suddenly very aware of her hand on my cheek. 

My lips and my vocal cords and my mouth say something that doesn't even remotely go through my brain. My ears hear this: "Lily... you're beautiful."

I could die now, I really could. Her cold hand feels like ice against my now flaming cheek. I lower my eyes quickly and stumble over my apology. "I wasn't--I didn't--you know that I--Lily, I--"

"Are you really going to take that back?" she says. "Because that was the best thing I've ever heard." 

She doesn't smile now, and that affects me even more than the smile would. The smile would mean she was joking, toying, laughing. She is serious now, and that's why I truly think right now that I am in love.

Her lips are against my hot cheek at first, then the other, and then I lean forward and kiss her on the lips. She doesn't seem to mind at all, and I sure don't.

"Ms. Evans and Mr. Lupin," a voice says. I reluctantly pull away from Lily and look up, up and up at the tall figure of Professor McGonagall. "I'm reluctant to take points from my two best students, so if you could hurry along a bit I could probably say I hadn't seen you." I look at Lily, who is now beet-red. "Well?" McGonagall repeats sharply.

Lily grabs my hand and pulls me again, and we run into the building. She's laughing, I'm laughing, and I don't know that I've ever been happier in my life. The likelihood is high. I stop her a hallway away from Gryffindor Tower and pant, "Did I see you blush back there?"

"I think it was my head exploding," Lily says quite seriously, then bursts out laughing again. I can't help but to follow suit.

Her warm hand in mine and _that smile_ for me... no, I don't think I've ever been happier than tonight in my entire life.


	6. Be sure

A/N: Another chapter, already? So it's angling back to angst, like I said. Jamesie gets a nice present and Remus realizes that he's a monster, no matter what form he's in. And it's kind of depressing. Oh well. Read on? (Whoa, that was short.) Oh yeah, and more uncomfortable silence. Now read.

****

...Be sure...

Chapter 6

I don't know if it's love, but I like it.

It's lunch three days after that night at the lake and the past three days, to say the least, have been miraculously ecstatic days for someone like me, especially. Sirius appears to be straining his self-control to not constantly jest at Lily and I.

Peter seems to be having quite a time getting used to the idea. James has been remarkably quiet. That unnerves me. Every time I look at him recently, I can never tell what he's thinking, and James usually broadcasts his feelings worse than I do.

"What do you think about James?" I ask Lily in a whisper.

"What about him?" She picks at the remains of her food.

"He's being weird. Weirder than usual," I say before she can say the inevitable joke. "Why do you think?"

"Dunno," she says. "Hogsmeade trip tonight, Remus. We've got to go."

"Don't know if I want to spend my night seeing you two holding hands and snogging," Sirius says. "Sweeter than any Honeydukes sweets, that is."

"We've done no snogging, as far as you know," Lily says, grinning slyly at Sirius. "Unless you've been spying?"

"What an accusation!" He gives a puppy dog look to me. "Your girlfriend has wounded me deeply with such an accusation. My reputation, soiled!" 

"What reputation?" James says at a stage whisper. Lily and I snicker.

I grin at him. "Have you, then?"

He considers. "Once, but it wasn't really spying. I was in the common, you two stumble in, laughing. I could only assume.. but how long have you guys been going out?"

"Two months," I say, at the same time that she says, "Four months." We look at each other and flush pink. "Three," I say. "Three."

"Since September," she says. There's silence now, and the atmosphere is so charged that all I can do is stare down at my plate. I've never been good with talking, but I'm even worse with silence. Silence is the only thing that'll make me talk.

"Anyway," James says. He finishes off a sandwich and swallows. "Hogsmeade. Who's going to help me get Snape this time? I've got a plan."

"Last time, Dumbledore said he'd suspend any one of us who pulled something on Snape again," Peter says. "My mum'll kill me if I'm suspended. She'll kill me if I don't get the Order of Merlin, First Class as an Auror." 

"He wasn't serious," Sirius says. "You know Dumbledore, he's threatened us with stuff like that before. He's amused when we do this stuff. He was a Gryffindor, you know, and he's the head of our house. Come on."

"Depends on what it is," I say. "Better not be as obvious as a baldness potion this time. It was clear we did that one."

"It's good, all right. Trust me." James grins at me. "I think you'll be very amused, Remus. Oh yes, indeed."

"Sirius, what's he up to?" I look over at him. 

Sirius shrugs. "I don't know, but with the way he's carrying on, it's sure to be good."

--------

You have to give James and Sirius credit. They know their way around a library to find the perfect books for pranks, although I'm not sure that's a good job skill unless you work in a joke shop. So here I am in the dorm, expecting James to pull out some potion or charm book, when he pulls out a package.

"Just got it today, from my dad," he says. "Well, technically from your family, Sirius. My dad couldn't be bothered with owling it, Auror work and all." There's a moment of silence. James's father is an Auror, and doesn't talk to James very much. The fact that the Blacks had to mail it to him may be the reason for his being so upset lately. I bite my lip; what can I say to that, really? Nothing he'd appreciate.

"What is it?" Sirius leans forward onto the edge of his seat and examines the box. "Is it your mum's famous toffees? Because if that's what it is, I'm in." He reaches for the box but James pulls it away.

"Much better than my mum's cooking," he says, grinning.

"Dress robes?" Peter says.

"What?" James looks disgusted. "No, Peter, what are you thinking?"

"This'll help us pull something on Snape, I assume," I say. "Or else you wouldn't have brought it up."

"Remus, my friend, you're absolutely right," James says. "In fact, this will solve all of our problems."

"_All_ of your problems? Well, that's got to be something amazing to be able to do that, James Potter. If it can solve Sirius's problems, it's miraculous." When we realize that none of us said the previous, we look over at the door, and there's Lily with a hand on her hip.

Sirius raises an eyebrow. "Evans, you know that there are no girls allowed in the boys' dorm. Could soil our reputations. Go before someone sees you--especially Dumbledore. That's the last thing we need."

She laughs. "I know your regard for the rules, Black. Why are you still here?" Sirius pretends to be hurt, and falls back onto his bed. "So what's in the box, Potter?" she says.

"Well, as long as we're in trouble already," James says, glowering at Lily, "I'll show you." He opens the box and flourishes a cloak--a rather strange-looking one, actually...

I freeze up entirely as I recognize what it is. Sirius seems to have stopped breathing, and is actually silent. Peter gasps in some air and says, "That's an Invisibility Cloak.." And indeed it is.

"They cost a fortune," Sirius says. "Bloody hell. This is the best thing to happen ever since... ever. Can you imagine what we can do with an _Invisibility Cloak_?"

"Your father certainly knows what you want, Potter," Lily says. "And what you do. Who in their right mind would give you four an opportunity like this?"

"I'm assuming that means you don't want to tag along," James says coolly. 

Lily flashes a brief smirk. "Of course I do," she says. "Are you out of your head? I'm not going to miss _this_. Besides, you need someone with brains along, and Remus--you'd enjoy researching the properties of an Invisibility Cloak with me, I'm sure. Right?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," I say. She smiles and sits beside me. 

"Then it's settled," James says. "Let's do it."

"Do what?" Peter says.

"You'll see."

--------

"I don't like this," Peter is whispering. James and Sirius are under the cloak, behind us.

"Relax. All you have to do is stand there and talk and we'll do the rest," Sirius's voice says. "Now stop talking to us and get to it."

"We're gonna get caught," Peter says.

"If you say that, we will," Lily says. "So I'm hoping that he shows up soon, because if he doesn't I'm going to go insane. Here's hoping that the Idiot Twins haven't snuck off yet and robbed Honeydukes of all their Fizzing Whizzbees."

"We're still here, Evans," James's voice says. "And thank you very much, I'm not an idiot--I'm getting good marks in all of my classes. Can't say much for Sirius though."

"Don't even start, Potter," Sirius's voice says. "There's not enough room under this cloak for the two of us with talk like that."

"Don't make me come back there, Idiot Twins. We distract, you do the work." Lily's voice is businesslike but she's grinning at me. I flash a vague smile at her.

"Oh, how sweet. Two brainiacs and a Squib." And there Snape is, about a hundred feet away. "Where are your two idiot ringleaders, Black and Potter? Thought they led you three around like house-elves."

"Speaking of house-elves," Lily says smoothly. "I heard you had to sack yours. It nearly set your house on fire, didn't it?"

Snape flushes. "Shut up, you Mudblood," he says shortly. 

Now, I'm not really a violent person. I suppose the whole werewolf thing takes that part of me away. Nonetheless, I find myself very, very angry, and my wand is out of my pocket in a split second. 

"_Expelliarmus_!" He falls, hits the ground hard, and I'm impressed with my own strength until I notice that Lily and Peter said the spell at the same time. 

It's still not enough. Blood doesn't matter. It never has and it never will. And yet he uses _that word_ to describe the most amazing, intelligent, funny person I've ever known--

These thoughts fill my head so thick that I find myself standing over him before I even realize it. "Leave Lily alone," I say. "If you say that word again--" the unfinished threat pulls me out of this violent zone. I realize now that I have my wand against his neck, and I stand, pocketing my wand. "You'll regret it," I finish lamely.

"What'll you do, Lupin? Spit on me?" Snape says behind me.

"I don't think you'd believe me if I told you," I say. I walk back over to Lily and Peter.

Lily grabs my arm and pulls me towards her. "Very gallant and all, Remus, but you shouldn't have done that," she says. "He's going to tell Professor Avery about this, and you're going to get in trouble."

"I don't care if he tells Salazar Slytherin himself." I watch Snape get up, and as he does, a huge handful of mud hits him in the back of the head. There is no one behind him--at least, anyone we can see, I realize. He tries to claw it out of his hair when another hits him right in the side.

He whips around. "Where are they?" Funnily enough, James and Sirius have awful aim when it comes to spells, but one of them manages to hit Snape dead on in the face with a handful of mud. 

"Who? I don't see anyone," Peter says. He's grinning like he just got 12 OWLs.

He wipes most of the mud off his face onto his robes. "Black and Potter! Where are they?" He stumbles forward, glaring around. After not seeing them anywhere, he glares back at the three of us. "You're all going to be expelled! I'm telling Avery and you're all going to be expelled!" he yells.

"Whatever you say, Sevvie," Lily teases. "Looks to me like you just tripped and fell into a mud puddle. Who's going to believe that a bunch of ghosts threw mud at you?"

He's got no response to that, so he storms away--and suddenly he trips over what looks like dead air, until the cloak slides over James and Sirius and they sit there, frozen. Snape doesn't look back, just yells, "I know you're behind this, Potter! I know it!" and continues on. As soon as he's far enough away, we all burst out laughing.

"That went remarkably well," James says. "But next time, we buckle the thing."

You'd think after defending my girlfriend from a prat like Snape, I'd feel vindicated. But all I feel is sick.

No matter how good I may feel now, there's less than two weeks 'til the moonlight traps me again. No matter how happy I may be, I'm still lying to my friends.

No matter how much Lily may love me, I'm still a monster, and that'll never change. How can I be sure that the others won't leave me when they find out?

I can't.


	7. How to

A/N: Another day, another chapter. This one's quite introspective. Obvious canon hints in here. Not much to say here, slightly funny, James/Lily hints in this one. I'll shut up now. Yay! Read, and review, dammit!

Chapter 7

**__**

...how to...

It's been three days since the prank and I can't get my nerves up to tell the others what I am, despite Lily's best efforts.

"They've accepted that Sirius is an unintelligible idiot," she says. "At least you're not a vampire or a hag."

"A hag?"

"Well, you get my point." She tweaks a finger at me. "There's no use of you hiding away. I'll have none of that. That's exactly what Snape's done and look at him."

That surprises me. "What do you mean?"

She gestures out. "He thought everyone would hate him, so he acted like a target. In swooped the Dynamic Duo and allowed him to be the target." She grins. "Not that I mind the pranks or anything. He does call me that word." She leans into me. "Anyway, you should tell them."

I sigh. "I'm worried about James."

"Oh, I expect his idiotic tendencies will wane come exams."

"I mean, he's holding something back. More than I did, I think, or he's pushing it away more than I did." Her hand finds mine and she squeezes it. I look at her now serious face. "You think it's his dad?"

"Maybe. I don't know." She laughs. "We have this sort of hate-hate relationship. He doesn't talk to me much when he's not insulting me."

She surprises me again. "He doesn't hate you, Lil, just thinks you're a know-it-all. If he hated you, you'd get pranked."

Lily looks indignant. "I've been pranked! What about the time when I went to the Halloween feast with green hair and red eyes?"

"Snape would pray for a prank that simple." I shrug. "Besides, you still looked great."

"Flattery will get you everywhere, Remus." 

I try a vague smile, but the thoughts in my head don't allow it. "I wish I was normal," I find myself saying. I didn't think it clearly, nonetheless plan to say it.

"I'm glad you're not normal," Lily says. "You'd be an average, intelligent young man and probably quite dull and stuck up. I like you better this way." She ruffles my hair. "You're interesting." 

I paw my hair back into some sort of shape. "I'm a werewolf. That's it. That's interesting, I guess, but how--"

"If it weren't for your being so interesting," Lily interrupts with a solemn look on her face, "if I were to be dating anyone, I would be dating Peter."

"Peter?" I say incredulously. "But Peter's, well... Peter."

"Would you rather I say Sirius?" I snicker at the very thought. "Or James?" I laugh, she laughs, and we both pause. I realize that our conversation has circled all the way back to James and his current oddness.

"James is a lot deeper than he looks," I say, and kill the conversation.

If I had never been turned into a werewolf, I might not have Lily now, but I was way back when. This... lycanthropy afflicts my entire life with lies, and diseased relationships based on them. Not even considering the monthly transformation, I will eventually have to trust my friends with this possibly fatal knowledge.

Is this affliction a blessing, or a curse?

--------

It's eleven in the Gryffindor dorms, and Peter is passed out on his bed. Sirius is curled into the fetal position and looks like he swallowed a pint of the Draught of Living Death. It's only James and I now awake.

"James," I say.

He looks over. "What?"

"What's wrong? You're acting weirder lately. Yes, weirder than usual." I'm becoming far too good at predicting that joke. "Is it..."

"My dad?" I pause and look down. "I guess, a little. I don't know." He sighs. "How are you and Evans?"

To think, James has been weird ever since Lily and I... "I'd have to ask you the same question."

"What do you mean?" I glance up at him and he's giving me the fish-eye.

"What do you have against her? You've never called her by her first name, to start."

He looks at the fire and his face is shadowed by the light, emotion impossible to see on his face. "She never calls me by my first name, either."

"You don't hate her. That's obvious."

"It's called rivalry." He laughs, but there's no heart in it. "It's healthy." There's a snippy tone growing in his voice.

I back off a bit on the subject. "I was just curious, James." I put my hands up in surrender stance.

"She's perfect for you," James says. He looks over at me and he has a wan smile on. Whatever's bothering him is bothering him enough that he can't even pull off that huge James Potter grin. "She even got you to talk."

I laugh despite that look on his face. "Yeah, she did, and I didn't even notice."

"She's too nice and smart to think I'm anything but a stupid inconsistent git. She's too good for me." I stare at him. What could he mean?

"Lily's not the kind of person who intentionally ranks anyone according to anything. I know. She's accepted me."

James laughs again, but it's not a happy laugh. "Accepted what? Your..." He whisks his hand in the air while trying to find a word. "Your Remus-ness?" 

I realize what I said. "Um," I say. "Never mind."

I could tell him now, but I've never been more afraid to say four words in my life. "I'm a werewolf, James." It shouldn't be that difficult, but my throat has stopped entirely with just the thought.

I dimly realize James just said something. "What?" I say thickly.

"Never mind," he says, and rolls into his covers.

--------

The next morning at breakfast, I'm half-awake and barely hearing the conversation. I didn't sleep at all last night. I wake up from a slight doze by Lily poking me in the shoulder. "Remus," she whispers in my ear, and I jump. The others laugh and I laugh it off too, rubbing my eyes.

"How long was I asleep?"

"It's lunch," Sirius says. "You slept through Potions." He grins and I roll my eyes.

"Oh-h. I see." I continue to pick at my food. "So about the Invi--" I pause. "The thing," I amend. "Are we going to use it any time soon?"

"Who says we haven't?" James's huge grin is back. "It has been four days."

"You wouldn't leave me out, would you, Potter?" Lily gives him a condescending almost-smirk.

James gives her a similar look back. "You make a good distraction, Evans," he says. "If you want to help, you're in."

Lily gasps. "Wow," she says, and I can tell immediately that she's making fun of Molly Weatherby, another Gryffindor in the class below us. She's notorious for being late to class because of having to choose an outfit. "James Potter just invited me to one of his famous pranks. What should I wear? My black robes, or my black robes?" She strikes a model-like pose and the pure ridiculousness of it makes all of us laugh rather hard, even her.

"You want in, Remus?" James says, once the laughing has waned.

"Depends on what it is." I'm far too afraid that my violent side will emerge if Snape or some other person pushes me too far, and I'm walking on eggshells to avoid something like that happening.

James leans toward me. "Nothing on Snape," he says. "He's ready to have Avery have us expelled, although that's the usual." He leans back again. "I'm thinking..." He pauses to consider, probably for effect.

"Don't sprain anything," Lily says dryly. We all laugh again, and it's a bit harder to catch air again. If anyone tells you it's easy to laugh all the time, they're wrong.

He beckons us all in, and we all lean in towards him, even Lily. "I'm thinking we explore the school."

We all lean back and pause for a moment. "Sounds good to me," Sirius says, yawning and pushing away an empty plate.

"As long as we use the... the thing," Peter says, "I'll do it." 

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," Lily says. She smirks at James. "If his Majesty King of Fools will let me join you menfolk, mind you."

James pretends to be wounded, then shrugs. "Remus?" he says.

"Do we have a good reason?" I shake my head. "Never mind, it doesn't matter. I'll come."

Sirius gives me a sly look. "Why, didn't you know? We're going to map the school."

As if five teenage kids are going to map the massive grounds of Hogwarts. It's sometimes impossible to find the bathrooms, the place shifts so much. A map would be nearly impossible to do.

When I point this out right now, James says, "It isn't impossible until we say it's impossible" and grins. Maybe he's right.

It isn't impossible for me to tell them that I'm a werewolf until I say it's impossible. Is that how you do it? Is that how it's done?

James Potter, whatever Lily might say, is definitely _not_ an idiot.

A/N: Did anyone get the "Molly Weatherby" reference, or was that futile?


End file.
